I've purposely kept from posting too much about the recovery process as I didn't think that was the purpose of this blog. After all, for me this blog was going to be a celebration of an intense year of camaraderie, challenge and mud. And, although I still have the challenge, the mud is pretty much gone for the time being. The camaraderie is still there, but it's been a bit more muted since my injury. There's a certain level of isolation that comes with being unable to fully participate with a team. Professional athletes who get hurt consistently say that one of the most difficult things to deal with is the disconnect from teammates as they go through the recovery process. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't experienced that a bit over the past month.
This week has been particularly tough because it was the build up to the Virginia Beach Mudder. We were going to be doing what I like to call our "Blackjack" run - two on Saturday and one on Sunday (or 21, thus Blackjack), but that got shot out of the water for me with the injury. I was looking forward to hearing the stories of running and survival from Brian and Danny (and John - never forget John), but I'd also be lying if I didn't admit to being more than a little bit envious. I want to be there, I want to be rolling around in the mud, climbing over stuff, trying to avoid being electrocuted, and hanging out with my friends. I want to be healthy enough to do all those things...but I'm not and I've come to accept that. I was jealous of them for being able to do the Blackjack, but I was also excited for them. I wanted to hear about their triumphs. I wanted to hear about the other people they met. I wanted to hear about the jokes that they cracked along the way. If I wasn't able to be part of it, I wanted to live vicariously through them.
Of course, then Andrea blew threw and dumped a whole bunch of water on the site. I woke up this morning expecting to write a post about wanting to be out running with them (I'd even planned on posting it right at 9, when they were supposed to be leaving the starting line). Instead I got word that the Saturday runs were cancelled and no one was going to be out there. I'm not even there, but I can imagine the frustration and annoyance with the whole situation. Needless to say, there are a lot of conflicting emotions happening here. I'm upset for my comrades, I'm disappointing with the situation, I'm still angry about my injury, I'm frustrated with my recovery, but I'd also be lying if I didn't say that I'm a little bit relieved that I'm not missing out. I hope that doesn't make me sound petty, but this isn't about any kind of wish that Danny and Brian not be able to succeed without me. Rather, it's about a desire to be there to share their successes with them. I miss everything about participating in the Mudders (ok, maybe not being electrocuted), hanging out and having fun with Danny and Brian most of all.
Of course, then Andrea blew threw and dumped a whole bunch of water on the site. I woke up this morning expecting to write a post about wanting to be out running with them (I'd even planned on posting it right at 9, when they were supposed to be leaving the starting line). Instead I got word that the Saturday runs were cancelled and no one was going to be out there. I'm not even there, but I can imagine the frustration and annoyance with the whole situation. Needless to say, there are a lot of conflicting emotions happening here. I'm upset for my comrades, I'm disappointing with the situation, I'm still angry about my injury, I'm frustrated with my recovery, but I'd also be lying if I didn't say that I'm a little bit relieved that I'm not missing out. I hope that doesn't make me sound petty, but this isn't about any kind of wish that Danny and Brian not be able to succeed without me. Rather, it's about a desire to be there to share their successes with them. I miss everything about participating in the Mudders (ok, maybe not being electrocuted), hanging out and having fun with Danny and Brian most of all.
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